Bored now

I have long wondered how many people pay attention while the stewardess drones her way through the pre departure safety script.

We have all heard it before, none of us is in any doubt that in the event of an emergency masks like these will drop down in front of you and everyone knows that when the you know what hits the fan it's everyone for themselves.

It is not just because of the extra leg room that I ask for the emergency exit seats.

I do so because when, and if it happens, I want out first because everyone else will panic.

They will do so because they have not listened to the safety brief.

They have not listened to the safety brief because it is boring and never changes.

So hats off to Turkish Airlines who have injected a little humour into their safety briefing films.

It does make them watchable and memorable for the first five or six flights you make with them, but know having watched them for six months or so I find I am just as bored by their same old jokes.

Why not have a different script each time you fly?

Where would we be

It is easy to get lost in unfamiliar airports with signage in languages unfamiliar to the traveller but generally speaking I am on safe ground when I board the airplane.

Seats A and B are always on the right as you head towards the tail and it's a good bet that if your seats are are a letter greater than G you need the aisle on the other side of the plane.

True, some aircraft have two alleyways and some have one but all in all it's pretty difficult to get lost.

So tell me what is the point of the stewardess taking your boarding card, Squinting at it and passing it back telling you what seat you are in or which side of the plane you are on.

Do they think we cannot read?

Stop the Scrum at Boarding

SleazyJet could easily become my favourite airline.

The have

• A good safety record
• A clean and tidy modern fleet of aircraft
• Pleasant mannered crews who appear to enjoy what they do
• A good selection of destinations
• Competitive fares

So why are they not top of my list?

Simply really it's because of the rugby scrum they persist on perpetuating at boarding.

If anyone on the high street tried to do it they would be prosecuted for inciting riots!

Not only is it dangerous but it is degrading as well bringing out the worst of human traits in your fellow passengers.

Of course I hear you say all you have to do is pay for speedy boarding and you will get preferential treatment

Not so it merely means a group of businessmen on expenses get to have their own riot before you get to have yours

There are now so many people paying for speeding boarding that the term almost breaks the trade description act

Come on Sir Stellios get a grip and give everyone a seat at checkin.

It cannot cost anything and it would almost definitely allow easyJet to become the Worlds Favourite Airline

Now where I have I heard that phrase before?

Cheap or Low Cost?

Cheap or Low Cost, call them what you like, the Budget airlines have changed the way we fly.

Now, in my opinion they are doing something else as well!  They are teaching the more traditional carriers how to behave when it comes to passenger service.

Now of course I am not including Ryan Air in that statement,  every seasoned and regular flyer knows that life is far too short for Ryan Air, but the others are definately making a real effort and are certainly showing the flag carriers a trick or two.

Yes I know, for some strange reason, EasyJet prefer to have you stamped dangerously onto an aircraft rather than allocate you a seat but at least when you get to the flying cigar tube, you are greeted with a smile and generally by someone who is clearly enjoying the job of sky waiter unlike the sourpuss poh faced girls who man the British Airways flights and think of them selves as a cut above the average passenger.

They are paid far less and even have to clean up the mess passengers make of their aircraft during the flights so if anything, you would think the staff aboard the low cost carriers would have more reason to be in a grot!

Here think I ought to rate the sleazyJet team as being even better than say FlyBe or BMI Baby.

In fact, if Sleazy where to allocate seats, they might become my short haul airline of choice.

What do you think?  Please leave a comment, I cannot be the only cantankerous traveller in the world can I?

Bordeaux Beggars Belief

I had reason to visit Bordeaux for a one night stay recently and it is not a city to commend.

It may well be France's sixth largest conurbation but I doubt that the country is proud of it either.

Beggars, loads of them, not quite to Mumbai standards, but never the less enough to notice and eventually get annoyed at.

It also seems devoid of anywhere nice to eat, what I might call middle priced food.  After an hour and a half of walking the streets peering into empty restaurants we eventually found one that served a half decent meal which with wine cost at least £35 and used ingredients that must have cost less than 10 even allowing 3 for the wine.

If for any reason you find yourself looking for an hotel and someone recommends Le Dauphin ask your self why?

Not since the days I lugged a back pack around the globe in the 1960's have I stayed in a doss house hardly better than the worst possible youth hostel.

Breakfast was rubbish and the only reason I went was because the fire alarm sounded constantly from 0720 for 10 minutes until someone arrived from a security company to switch it off.

By then I was too awake to return to my bed.

The staff, rather sensibly, do not live in the hotel and are absent from 5 30 in the afternoon until breakfast time. So they were little help and had it been a real fire I fear lives would have been lost.

Cheap yes but value for money? Defiantly no!

No Smoking

On every flight I take I am reminded during the safety announcement that passengers may not smoke during the flight that smoking on board is an offence under international civil aviation law.

I am told that smoking in the lavatories is specifically forbidden and that each toilet compartment is fitted with a smoke detector which if you fiddle with it causes you to break even more civil aviation laws.

So why is it that an airline still finds it necessary to fit signage on the inside of the lavatory door warning passengers that they risk fines of £2500 if they get caught smoking of tampering with the detection devices?

But what I really do not understand is why on the aircraft I am describing an Airbus A321 which is less than seven years old this sign is placed immediately above the ashtray that has so thoughtfully behind the door by the aircraft builder.

And NO I was not flying with Ryan Air!

Public Transport Etiquette

When I was a lad, I was taught that if I had a seat on a bus, tram or train, it was good manners to give it up if a lady or an elderly person were to board and not be able to sit down.

I was taught that pregnant ladies fell into the same category and should be shown the same high accord

It was, I was taught, just good manners to do so.

When I moaned, I got a clip around the ear and was told I would be very grateful when my time came.  Then, old and decrypted I would be very grateful that my fellow travellers had the same high standards as I was brought up with.

Well let me tell you, that time has come, and now I find, if I am lucky enough to get a seat, I get deathly stares from mothers whose five year old Johnny has to stand as the bus sways around a corner and heaven help me if I get on a crowed train and seven year old Matilda is ensconced on a pew.

I have as much chance of her offering her seat to the kindly old gentleman as getting a free trip from Richard Branson on his Intergalactic Space Shuttle